- Burbank Airport, please. - Vegas, here we come!
No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules.
No rules?
We're not gonna get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group, are we?
- No. - So there are some rules.
Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends and some rules.
Thank you. Vegas!
- The ladies are away, the boys will play! - Anything can happen!
- It's gonna get crazy. - Dungeons & Dragons!
I got a brand new bikini so drinks at the pool are on these.
I got a sexy new tube top that says "come hither"...
...and a can of pepper spray that says, "Close enough, Jack."
I got some old underwear I'm gonna throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
I'm sorry, why old?
Because last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.
I've got a brand new seven-piece set of polyhedral dice.
Hello, new dice smell.
I've got my Helm of Lordly Might, my Boots of Speed...
...and if things get too exciting, my Inhaler of Asthma.
I've got my new, bloodthirsty, Savage Warrior...
...who will lay waste to all who stand before him.
And I had a sensible salad for lunch so I can eat all the pizza I want.
Come on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls...
...or play D&D like teenage boys who will never have sex with those teenage girls?
(IN UNISON) Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.
(IN UNISON) The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko, Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko...
...the Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko.
I'm actually glad Lucy had to work tonight.
Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was gonna be hanging with my bros.
Isn't every conversation you two have awkward? Heh.
Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes...
...you can just hang up.
I'm so into her.
- Ready whenever you guys are. - Yeah, we'll be right there.
- Leonard. LEONARD: Yeah?
I'm not sure how I feel about Howard being Dungeon Master instead of you.
Aw. That's nice, but relax, sometimes change is good.
You were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock...
...but you wound up liking him.
Please. Every time the topic of change comes up you throw Zachary Quinto in my face.
I'm upset the mailman has a new haircut, "Zachary Quinto."
I'm upset that daylight saving time started, "Zachary Quinto."
Daylight saving time ended, "Zachary Quinto."
For the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event.
So stop using him against me.
Okay, here we go.
You find yourselves in an overgrown, old forest.
Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it...
...that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage.
He says:
(MIMICS NICHOLAS CAGE) "Travel with caution...
These woods are home...
...to the bones of many a fallen hero."
Now, see? Howard's just as good a Dungeon Master as I am.
As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.
Hey, come on, guys, focus.
Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree.
We thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors...
...and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh. Lucy's free after all, see you.
No, no, no, hey, hey, hey, you can't leave, we just started.
You're right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword...
...stab myself in the face with it. I'm dead, I've got a date with a girl. Bye.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) We'll be fine. Watch.
Ahem. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali's bloody corpse and says:
(MIMICS RAJESH) "Don't worry, buddies. Ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest."
(MIMICS NICHOLAS CAGE) I'm just a tree, but if I were you, I'd listen to your ghost friend.
Go on. Give him your lunch money.
I'm very happy you were able to hang out.
Me too.
Not that it's up to you to make me happy. Unless you find neediness sexy...
...in which case you're with the hottest man on the planet. Heh.
Can I tell you something?
I was so nervous about seeing you...
...before I left my apartment, I put roll-on antiperspirant all over my body.
- Really? - Yeah.
If sweat starts squirting out the top of my head, you'll know why.
I'm sorry to put you through that.
It's okay. I'm trying to force myself to do things that make me scared.
What else have you been thinking about doing?
Well, let's see.
I'd love to be able to tell the lady who cuts my hair that I don't like bangs.
- I like your bangs. - Thanks, I like them too.
- What else? - Hmm.
It's a tie between sending food back in a restaurant...
...and saying no to kids who sell magazines door to door.
Those are both toughies.
I know. I have a two-year subscription to Guns and Ammo.
I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Uh-huh. It does.
(MIMICS DOOR CREAKING)
He does sound effects too.
Hey, I always did sound effects.
Uh, a swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon.
(MIMICS BATS SUCKLING)
Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn.
(MIMICS UNICORN GROANING)
(MIMICS BATS SUCKLING)
Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- Guess who? - What are you doing back?
That's an excellent question. Amy?
Uh, well...
...when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down.
The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy.
I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Long story short, she's on the no-fly list...
...and we might have been followed here by a drone.
- I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot. - Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money...
...you're filled with shame, you got groped by a stranger. That's Vegas, you nailed it.
You guys enjoy your evening. I'm gonna go before I ruin anybody else's weekend.
That's my girl.
Amy, wait. I know it's not the night you had in mind...
...but why don't you stay and play? It'll be fun.
Fun?
Three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter...
...now you want the girls to play D&D with... Do you have a drug problem?
What's the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.
I've just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
Oh, don't worry, sweetie. No one has.
So, what do you say?
I'll leave it up to the Dungeon Master.
A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like AI Pacino...
...rises from the forest floor and says:
(MIMICS AL PACINO) "You're playing D&D...
...you're playing D&D...
...this whole apartment...
...is playing D&D."
Okay, who wants a drink?
Penny, we don't consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons.
It impairs our judgment.
Oh, this isn't alcohol. It's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Double potion, please.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Here we go.
You find yourselves face to face with two hulking ogres.
(IN DEEP VOICE) "What are you doing in our dungeon?"
"You shall die."
Okay, literal goosebumps. Look.
-: (IN NORMAL VOICE) What do you do? - I draw my broadsword.
- I ready my quarter-staff. - I drink my potion.
- I say we attack the big one. - Give me the dice. I wanna roll.
The Dungeon Master's supposed to roll.
Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet, give it.
- All right, what do I need? - Uh, fifteen or higher.
Fifteen's the point. The point is 15. Give the little lady some room. Here it is. Coming out.
- Sixteen! Yeah. - Yeah.
Please tell me we're playing for money.
Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
- More potion, please. - Yeah.
- How are your crab cakes? - Kind of funky.
- That's great. - It is?
Does "funky" mean something different in India?
No, no. You've always wanted to send your food back in a restaurant. Here's your chance.
- That's okay. I just won't eat them. - Don't be ridiculous. Waiter?
Everything all right?
Uh, yeah. Everything all right with you?
Yes.
- Okay, thanks, bye. - Hold on.
Isn't there something else you wanted to tell him?
No, it's fine. He's from a different country. He doesn't understand our ways.
Don't be silly. Just tell him.
I have to go to the bathroom. And it's not because the crab cakes are funky.
- So you're okay here? - Uh, yeah, sorry. She's just a little shy.
The first time we met, she was so nervous...
...she climbed out a bathroom window to get away.
Uh-oh.
Hey, Raj?
Funny story.
Come on, Mama wants a pair of dead ogres.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Seventeen! The larger ogre is dead.
(ALL CHEERING)
The other ogre says:
(IN DEEP VOICE) "You killed my brother."
"Now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined."
That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.
All right, Amy, there's one ogre left. Take him out.
- Okay. - Pretend he's that TSA agent. Come on.
Nineteen.
(ALL CHEERING)
- This is turning out to be better than Vegas. - Ha, ha. No, it's not.
Lucy?
Hey, long time no see.
You don't know me very well, but each time you crawl out a window...
...to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.
- I'm sorry. - Why would you leave like that?
You were pushing me. I didn't want to send my food back...
...and you tried to make me do it.
If I upset you, why didn't you say something?
How can I tell you I'm upset if I can't tell the woman at Supercuts...
...that my forehead's my best feature?
- It's scary. - Well, I like you a lot and that's scary for me.
Mostly because you're a proven flight risk.
How could you like me a lot?
Well... For one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do...
...and I find that very attractive in a woman.
I don't know, I just...
I think you're wonderful.
I'm sweating out of my head.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.
(ALL CHEERING)
But wait, he's not dead.
He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack...
Wait.
Doesn't he say something first?
Maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?
Fine.
(MIMICS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN) "You'd think, after all these years...
...I'd know not to fly over volcanoes.
I'm a frigging idiot."
The dragon's Christopher Walken. Perfect.
Amy, it's your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off.
Here we go. Fifteen.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) It's a hit, the dragon collapses to the ground.
Wait, wait.
And says...
(MIMICS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN) "Mother? Is that you?
Your little boy is coming home."
I don't know about you guys, but I've been through the emotional wringer tonight.
This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass Dungeon Master.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) When we get home, I'm gonna take you on a different adventure.
Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.
- Sheldon, they're talking about sex. - Oh, then I'm out.
Ooh, I have an idea.
Since it's not happening anytime soon...
...why don't your character and your character do it in the game?
Ooh!
- Come on, back me up here. - Oh.
(IN UNISON) Ooh!
Okay. I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy.
Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that...
The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy...
...she is the most beautiful half-orc he's ever seen...
...and he's overcome with a desire to rip her armor off...
...and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts.
When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks...
...just like Sheldon because apparently she's into that.
What do you do?
I don't like this.
You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SHELDON: Amy. Amy. Amy.
What?
I've never knocked on my own door before.
That was a wild ride.
You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.
Thank you.
Would you tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.
I'll tell you what they think.
They think our relationship is a joke.
I don't think our relationship is a joke.
I think, "A horse goes into a bar, bartender says, 'Why the long face?"', that's a joke.
It's a good one too, because a horse has a long face.
Sheldon...
...are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Oh, my, that's an uncomfortable topic.
Amy...
Before I met you...
...I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
And now?
And now what?
Do you have any interest now?
I have not ruled it out.
Wow. Talk dirty to me.
I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but for me, what we have...
...is extremely intimate.
I guess I know that.
It's just...
...I think part of me wants more.
More?
Look at us. It's only been three years, here we are in bed together.
Come on.
Let's go back out there.
Well, no, hold on.
My elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior...
...did have a love spell cast on them.
We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Okay.
I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon.
While the others pillage the corpse...
...I lead you to a secluded area...
...where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
- It comes off. - Oh.
What do you do?
I...
...kiss you on the lips.
I kiss you back on the...
...lips as well.
Your turn.
I remove your armor.
What do you do?
I erotically caress your...
- ...nose. - Keep rolling.
Hey, you guys have been in there a while. You doing okay?
SHELDON: We're fine, thank you.
- Okay, we just want to say we feel bad... AMY: Go away! Sheldon is nibbling on my...
(DIE CLATTERS)
Fourteen! Yes!